Look, I know we can't all be incredibly famous, good looking and wealthy.
I know that most of you live quiet lives of desperation, full of bills, drive-thru meals and POS cars that double in value when you fill the gas tank.
Thankfully, I cannot relate.
Every weekday of my life, I am driven to the 98ROCK studios, where I work a few scant hours and draw exorbitant paychecks.
I slam ice cold beers and make adult-oriented jokes on the air until my creativity ebbs and I am spent. After I am bathed and annointed with precious emolients by strippers, I retire to the limo for a short trip to a five star eatery of my choosing.
The next day, I awake to do it all again...only with fresh strippers.
Why have I disclosed so many private details about my lush and lavish lifestyle? Because I want to prepare you all for what happened to me today.
Just a few minutes ago, Ty, our illustrious leader, sauntered down the hall and by my studio. She was holding two pairs of fresh Hanes brand tube socks. These are not the cheesy, ankle length variety, but the full length, above the knee sort.
She flipped them like a pimp with a gold watch.
"Want some free tube socks? We have them left over from the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert last month".
I lunged for the socks and sighed as the fresh cotton blend slid between my fingers and thumbs.
If only for a moment, I imagined how Flea felt before taking the stage in a lone tube sock, pouting and preening...like a man on stage in nothing but a tube sock.
Then I wondered what the unwashed masses were doing at that moment...they sure as hell weren't accepting free Hanes tube socks...I guarandamntee you that.